Dealing With People Who Don’t Believe You Can

Jun 29

We’ve all heard that we should surround ourselves with people who believe in our goals. But that’s never as easy as it sounds. Sometimes even the people who should be your biggest, boldest supporters try to talk you out of your most important dreams.

There’s actually a better way to set up your goal to get your family and friends on board right from the start.

Resources & Links mentioned in this episode:

Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or shoot me an email at cara@carabrookins.com!
Ready to stop procrastinating & get your idea off the ground? Join me and Build Something!
If you enjoyed this episode, I’d so appreciate a review for the show! (To leave a review go to The Cara Brookins Show on the Apple Podcast app, then scroll all the way down to the bottom and you’ll see “Ratings & Reviews.” At the bottom of that section is the option to “Write a Review”!!!)

Transcript:

Welcome to the Cara Brookins Show, where you’ll find all the tools you need to get unstuck and build a better life. I know what it feels like to need a friend to talk you through the hard stuff. From cleaning off your desk, to building a new desk, or even rebuilding your entire life from scratch, I’ll be here with you for every step. Let’s get moving and build exactly the life you want.

Have you ever notice how the people closest to you are the first to shoot down your big ideas? Let’s talk about that. About why people who love you, tell you NOT to go for that big idea, and why you should do it anyhow.

We’ve all been there, sitting around the picnic table, digging in to the 4th of July spread, and everyone starts talking about what’s happening in their life, sharing their plans. Nothing formal, just casually talking about what we’re working on, or about to start. Someone’s prepping for college, or middle school, someone is thinking of having a baby or getting married. And then it’s your turn. BOOM.

You drop this bomb of a massive project no one had any idea you were thinking about. Explosive. There’s a stunned silence, and then you know what happens next. Everyone has an opinion. And most of them are something like: What are you thinking? That sounds awfully ambitious. Don’t you need a special degree for that. Or a pile of startup money. Or a partner or a full team who knows what the heck they’re doing.

And if you start to get defensive, because, well, you were really excited about this idea. Then, they come back at you with: Aww, come on. We’re just trying to help. We don’t want you to get in over your head. We don’t want you to set yourself up for failure. We’re just looking out for you. We’re just trying to help.

But are they really? What in the world is going on here?

You feel the whole time like you’re over here drowning in all these not-so-helpful, not-so-encouraging suggestions. From the very people you thought you could trust with your biggest goal ever.

What are we supposed to do when this happens? When we have the BEST IDEA EVER and then the naysayers make us doubt the project and even doubt ourselves.

Well first, recognize that it’s a really common problem. It’s not just your family picnics. There’s a reason that everyone piles on a big idea and tries to suffocate it. Yes, even our closest friends or family. You’re not alone. We’ve all landed at a table like this at some point in our life and had to grit our teeth through all the emotional arguments to NOT do the exact thing we want to do more than anything right now. So let’s take a closer look at what’s happening here.

Your family does not want you to fail. They are not awful people. Let’s dig a little deeper to see where all this negativity is coming from.

Because there’s actually some psychology behind why people have this gut reaction that makes them try to stop you from taking a risk. And I don’t mean to call anyone out, but you’ve done it too. Plenty of times. We’ve all been on the other side of this and told someone NOT to take on some really tough project. And it’s not because we’re all mean. So, here’s what happens in a person’s head when they’re sitting in front of a plate of corn on the cob at the picnic table and someone drops a huge goal smack in the middle of the table.

When we hear that goal announcement, we instantly put ourselves in that other person’s shoes. We imagine ourselves doing that thing. We can’t help it. It’s how our brains work. We imagine ourselves in the scenario. Whether it’s hang gliding or running a PR agency, or opening up a pizza joint. It doesn’t matter if it’s something you’ve ever thought of doing before in your life, you instantly imagine yourself in that place. Now think about that for a minute.

When aunt Sara says she’s going hang gliding next week, you will immediately imagine yourself hang gliding. You can see yourself, feel yourself flying through the sky—even if you’ve never had any desire even once in your life to do this. In fact, you can’t avoid seeing yourself in that place at least for at few seconds.

But so what. Seeing yourself flying through the air doesn’t sound like a reason to shoot down Aunt Sara’s goal, does it? Well, actually, yes it is.

Because, humans have really, really good imaginations. And it doesn’t matter if you’re a fan of heights or not, when you’re suddenly, unexpectedly taken from the cozy picnic table and the pile of corn on the cob and instead launched into the air like a firework, you’ll actually feel a small wave of the fear you’d feel if you were about to go up in the air, strapped to one of those crazy gliders. It’s terrifying.

Your stomach will roll over, your muscles get all tight. Everything in you will rebel against the idea of doing something that feels so far out of your immediate comfort zone. Just, nope.

And then, before you realize that you’re about to be one of ‘those people’, you yell out, “Wait, what? No! Aunt Sarah, what the heck is wrong with you. That’s a terrible idea, obviously. People die doing that crazy stuff. Keep your feet on the ground. Don’t do this! I’m just trying to help. To save you from yourself.”

Ugh. How annoying! But it’s also perfectly normal. You felt nervous and helpless, and you don’t want a person you care about to feel that, so you do your best to talk them out of it. In a weird way, you really are trying to save them from themselves. But in reality, what you’re seeing and trying to save them from are your own limitations, your own lack of preparedness to do that thing, not theirs.

And this whole situation is the worst when we’re talking about family members. Because the closer you are to someone—the more you care about them—the stronger your reaction will be, and the faster you’ll spit your feelings out in a gut reaction. Your guard is down around the people who you’re close to. Your filters are off. You’re vulnerable.

It was like that for me when I called my mom to tell her I was going to build a house. For a couple years in a row, I’d called her with a lot of bad news and just really hard days. Things had been tough. And for once. For once I thought I had a great idea, the perfect idea to do exactly the right thing, the best thing for my kids and for me. I thought building the house would change everything for us and, I thought my mom would immediately see that and be just as excited about the whole idea as I was. But she definitely wasn’t.

She told me it was a terrible idea. That I didn’t know enough about building to do it. That I should do something easier. Something smaller. Something less dangerous. Less of a risk. Something I was a lot more likely to actually succeed at.

I was really confused when I got off the phone with her. I was upset. I mean I guess my feelings were kind of hurt that she didn’t think I could do this. That she didn’t believe in me. That she wasn’t listening to me, supporting me, and being excited with me. So I did what we all learned to do as a little kid.

When mom told me I couldn’t do something. I called my dad.

He had built the house I grew up in. Dad would get it. He would recognize what a perfect move this was for me and the kids. Except… he didn’t. He said pretty much the same thing my mom did. They said I should NOT do this. And it didn’t stop there.

That’s what the people at the hardware store said, too. The plumbing store. The city inspector. And the random strangers in the aisles of Home Depot when I asked for advice on running my own gas lines. And it felt terrible. Insulting, and really a blow to my confidence. Now I can see it differently, even as a positive.

The fact that they all reacted so instantly and strongly is actually a good sign. It meant that meant I was really stretching as far as I should with my goal. I was setting it big enough to inspire myself and keep my motivation strong, so I’d finish it. I was setting a goal big enough to make some real changes in my life. But knowing that, doesn’t make the negative reactions easy to take in the moment. Does it? Of course not.

All those people yelling “don’t do that!”, well, they matter and they all add up. And it’s the people you love the most who can really tip the scale. Their doubts are contagious. You wonder if maybe they see something you don’t, because they know you so well. And also, because so many of us are people pleasers. We want our families to immediately agree with our ideas, and if they keep saying not to do something. We might quit on the whole thing to make them happy. Even if that means giving up our own goals. We’ll walk away. And that’s a shame.

People who love you, do actually want you to succeed. And I’ll help you present your ideas in a way that will get them on your team.

But first, let’s take a short break.

. . .

I want you to stop and think for a minute about how great it would feel if you could have an idea for a project and then easily just start doing it. Pick up the pen or the hammer. Build the website or hang a sign over your door. Just get moving and do it.

Why is that so hard, just taking that first step? Why do we end up so paralyzed that most of our ideas land in the “someday” folder.

That’s what my free “Get Unstuck” Challenge is all about.

I’ve done a lot of things in my life that are really big. I’ve published eight books, built a career writing software, a public speaking business, and I built an entire house with my kids by watching YouTube videos.

But this challenge right here, this is one of the most important things I’m doing. Because I know how frustrating it is to really want a better life. To maybe even have an exact idea of what you want to do. And to just feel too stuck or too burned out to get there.

And I know too that it’s possible for you to do what I did. To overcome that feeling of being stuck. It’s 100% possible for you to overcome that stuck feeling and to build exactly the life you want.

I’ll take you step by step with a series of four video challenges. And at the end you’ll be ready to finally get started on your big project.

Go to Cara Brookins.com and click on “get unstuck” to sign up for this free Get Unstuck challenge.

. . .

And now, back to the show.

My mom and my dad weren’t trying to kill my dreams when they told me not to build a house. They were just immediately imagining themselves in my place, as a single parent with four kids and a full time job, trying to spend evening and weekends taking a pile of 2x4s, some plywood and bricks, and putting it all together into a house. And that felt impossible to them.

So, they immediately said: No way, don’t do that. Stay out of the hang glider. Keep your feet on the ground. And they meant it. I mean oh boy did they mean it. But I’m about to give you one easy way to change the family’s mind when this happens to you.

Take them on your journey. Remember, when they reacted to your bombshell, over-the-top big idea, they had only seen a small part of a picture that you’ve been focused on for a while now. You told them the end result, which for a big project is months or even years away. Take them down the same path you went down so they can arrive at the end result with you. Here’s what you have to keep in mind.

They don’t know about all the work you’ve done to research or develop your skills. They don’t know about your resources or all of the reasons this matters to you. So, take a deep breath and introduce your idea with something like: Here’s what I’ve started working on for a new idea. Here are some of the things I’ve done and learned already.

And next give them a really brief flyover of the major steps you’ve taken and when you’re doing next. Then, and only then, after you’ve set up some of the planning stages you’ve done and/or set up, THEN tell them when you’re going to do with all that new knowledge and sill: So here’s what I’m going to do. BOOM. There’s your idea.

And it’s presented in a away they can feel is possible right along with you.

You’re saying: Yes, this can be done, and yes, I’m exactly the right person to do it.

Here’s the really cool reason this will work. Because they will do exactly the same thing they would have done if you’d dropped your idea as a bombshell. They will immediately see themselves doing the things you describe—they can’t help it, this is just how the human mind works.

But this time, you’re leading them down a path where they imagine themselves learning the skills, building the team, raising the money, and all the steps you’ve done to prepare. And your brief outline of the steps will work like a step ladder, slowly leading them up to that point you’re at now with all this enthusiasm and confidence for your goal. Here’s what this looked like for me.

I held up the house plans I’d drawn with my kids and told my parents about the YouTube videos we’d watched and the tools and lumber and bricks I’d gone to the store and laid my hands on so I would fully understand the process. All of this gave them room to think something like:

Oh, well if I had a construction loan to buy all of the supplies for the house. And if I had this website called YouTube where I could look up videos of every step. And if I’d learned how to use all of the tools and researched all of the steps, then maybe I really could build a house. So what was their conclusion for me? It was that maybe I could, too. See what happened there?

Of course you do, I led them right along a short version of my journey to this decision to build a house.

Don’t get me wrong, there was never, at any point, a thought that just because it was possible meant it was gonna be easy. Or even that I was going to actually accomplish this. But that’s fine. I didn’t need a guarantee. I just need a chance to try this, to really give it everything I had. And I was convinced that if I had the chance, I could make this work. And a big part of what I needed was the support of my family—the family that had at the start said: No way.

I needed them to come full circle and say: We’re behind you every step of the way. We’ve got your back on this. Go Cara & kids! And—eventually—that’s exactly what I got.

As soon as I told them what I’d already put in. As soon as I outlined the plan for them and showed them how it was not only possible to do this, it was possible for someone like them to do it—and that meant someone like me. They were all the way behind me and became a huge part of what made the entire project a success.

It really is that simple to turn your naysayers into yes-sayers.

Sometimes we just have to step back and understand the psychology behind what’s happening in order to solve it. Not only does this help us shift the opinion for our own projects, it can help when we’re on the other side and we feel ourselves ready to shout aunt Sarah down from her hang gliding trip. We know we have to take a deep breath and ask her to tell us about the journey that brought her to this spot.

What has she done to prepare, what are the safety , ask her to talk about the group she’s going with or whatever else might take you down the road so you can reach the spot where you think: I feel better about this, and I can see how if I did all that preparation and research maybe this would be possible for me, and therefore it is for aunt Sarah.

(And let me just say, when it comes to hang gliding, better aunt Sarah than me!)

Oh, I should mention too, that it’s a good idea to wait to share your idea with a wide group of friends or even family until you have actually done the research, the background work, set things up so you are at least pretty far down the planning phase of your project. That way you can take other people on this journey with confidence and a lot of info. If you share it too soon, then you won’t have answered a lot of these questions for yourself and other people’s doubts are a lot more likely to drag you away from the project for good. Sell yourself on the goal. Commit. Put in some time. Then share in a way that brings people with you.

Picture how much nicer your holiday meals will be when no one feels personally attacked right there over the green bean casserole.

Now this isn’t a perfect system because humans aren’t perfect. There will always be a handful of people who don’t come around. Even some who aren’t coming from an innocent place or trying to keep you safe. Some people will feel threatened by your ambitious goals because they aren’t reaching for anything big themselves. Your big project will just make them look bad. They might be plain old jealous of what you’re able to achieve. Your ambition makes them feel powerless, so instead of trying something big themselves it’s a lot less work to just bring you down to their under-achieving level. These are the people to distance yourself from, at least as far as your goals go.

Instead, search for and surround yourself with the people who will support your decision to do this. The ones who come around to, “If you want to do this, then we’re behind you all the way,” Then you know you have a healthy group of background dancers, cheerleaders, or whatever you want to call them. They may not know how to help you actually do the work, but they’ll bring you fresh supplies and a tray of brownies on the weekend. Not only will they be the ones to toast your success when you hit the target, they’ll also be the people to hold you accountable and help move you forward on the tough days.

If your family and friends aren’t ever going to understand and support the type of project you’re starting, then find someone else to announce it to. Connect with other people who are doing something similar. Either in person or online, find your community for this project.

My kids were the only ones who believed right from the start with me that we could build a house. And that was so essential, not just as mental support, but if we were all going to climb down into the muddy foundation trenches on the coldest, worst days of this project, we all had to believe in it 100%. And my kids’ belief in this, well it wasn’t entirely fair if you think about it. Because we all, when we’re kids especially, we all believe the ideas our parents have are sane, logical, possible ideas. We don’t really stop and think about the details because when we’re younger we just assume the grownups know exactly what they’re doing. If only they knew, right?

Now that my kids are older, they’re like: Wait, you actually had no idea what you were doing did you? That’s crazy. What were you thinking! But also, it’s made them realize that they don’t have to know everything going in. And because they remember the moment no one believed we could do this, and how we turned that around, they know now how to do that in their own projects.

Listen, you’re going to run into a lot of people who think your big goal is nuts. So what. You don’t need every single person on your side to reach your goal. What do the naysayers know about what you have inside of you? Your drive. Your vision for what your life is going to be like. What do they know about what you’re capable of? If they hold that negative ground, don’t listen to them. Don’t even spend time arguing with them. Just go do it.

The skier, John Egan, says: “Don’t listen to people who tell you that you can’t do it. What they are telling you is they can’t do it.”

See? They’re seeing their own limitations, not yours.

Don’t forget, that no matter who you have in your closest circle of family and friends, you also always, always, always have me on your side. Tag me in your crazy big projects on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, wherever you hang out and I’ve got your back. I believe you can do the things that look impossible to everyone else. I believe you already have inside of you everything it’s going to take. And now that you know a little bit more about the naysayers and why this cycle happens in the first place, you have more of the tools you need to reach your goal.

I’m right here with you, every step of the way.

Thanks for hanging out with me today, head over to carabrookins.com for more (free) tools, and we should connect on social media too. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast.